Set Unreasonable Goals

This is a great time of year to talk about goals. There’s likely a good number of you reading this who have already given up on New Year’s Resolutions, or have decided on big goals which do not seem possible right now. I heard a great quote last week: You have to set goals that are almost out of reach. If you set goals that are attainable without much work or thought, you are stuck with something below your true talent and potential.

I spoke with one potential client last week who had 3 listed goals. Two of them were very "easy," i.e. the step-by-step instructions on how to do them was already known, and this person had every intention of doing them. There is nothing wrong with this, I just wouldn’t refer to them as goals, those are more along the lines of tasks. A goal, which if you dream big like me is perhaps even a little bit unreasonable, is a much different story. These types of goals do not have immediate step-by-step instructions available. If such instructions were readily available, then they wouldn’t be goals.

Set unreasonable goals. Don’t ever be afraid to be unreasonable when it comes to what you want to accomplish. To truly live up to your potential, you have to be this way at times. Make goals that truly are breakthroughs, then do whatever it takes to get them.

Commitments Versus Interests

There are many things in which I am interested. There are many fewer things in which I am committed. There is a big difference between the two which is very important to distinguish. Commitment carries a much bigger responsibility. Commitment is something which needs to get done, and will not accept excuses.

Last week, I made a list of 2016 goals. These are not things in which I am interested, these are things to which I am committed. I will see at least 4 countries. I will meet certain physical goals which I specified. I have another secret project in the works which will be done in 2016 (and then it will not be secret!). These are things which are going to happen without excuses from me, in other words they are commitments.

This distinction comes up often when I meet with potential clients. They will send a list of goals, we talk about ways we will approach them, and then when the subject of money comes up, there is always a push back. My question at this time is always whether these are interests or commitments. One does not hire a coach to help with their interests, but one does hire a coach to deal with commitments. If something is so important to you that you are willing to make sure it happens no matter what, then this is truly a commitment. Hiring a coach is not the only way to make sure something happens, but I will always make sure that there is an understanding that it is a commitment and not an interest.

Commitments versus interests is a very important question. Make sure you know which you are pursuing.

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Expand

I’ve never written a post from vacation before, but there is a first time for everything!

Due to a number of circumstances this year, I only took one other international trip before going to Vietnam. That trip was to Kenya, and while seeing the wildlife in its natural habitat fulfilled another lifelong dream of mine, I was not immersed in their culture while staying on game reserves. It had been a full year since I was truly immersed somewhere else. After literally two days in Vietnam, I remembered what this immersion feels like, and almost immediately I was thrown back into living in essence.

Before my trip, I was feeling stuck. I had several life changes in a row which were not necessarily bad, but were not my favored decisions at the time. For awhile it did not feel like I was at cause, and instead I was at effect. I was spending a lot of time in my own head, wondering how I would become the driver of my life again. One day in Vietnam, and I was back to my essence.

If you ever feel stuck in any aspect of your life, it is vital to find a way to expand. I am a huge fan of traveling, but there are many other ways as well. You can try new activities, you can change where you live, you can volunteer, you can change your daily routine, you can learn to play guitar, you can learn a new language. The possibilities are endless, but the biggest takeaway is that repeating current behavior is how to guarantee you will stay feeling stuck. Truly expanding yourself guarantees something new will come. Even if this something new is "only" changing your thoughts, our thoughts define our world. Something will always change in your world when you make an honest change in your way of being.

Expand. Find a way to expand, and make it a top priority. Repeat as often as possible.

Let Love Make Decisions

It is my belief that every big decision made is either from love or from fear. Love means so many different things to so many people. A few things that we can all hopefully agree on is that love is a very strong feeling, love is not rational, and love does not go away easily, whether you want it to or not. Sometimes fear does provide a good reason for a decision, fear keeps us from jumping off cliffs, and handling hot dishes out of the oven. But many other times, we let fear make decisions when love could have really been present instead.

I still remember when I almost moved out to Southern California, but decided not to at the time. I loved it out here, but there was also a lot of fear. Unknown things would await me, uncertainty around job and places to live are scary, and ultimately I decided to stay for awhile. After a few years of this coaching work, I had enough love in me to really make it happen, and needless to say I’m very happy that I did. I loved Southern California the whole time, but in the previous situation, fear was still dictating me as I left a job that had me unhappy. It took a lot of work on myself to truly choose from love. When I got here, it was totally worth it.

Love, due to its irrationality, can create many new thoughts. You may find yourself with much more success, or even much less success, due to completely new thought patterns. You may find yourself scared, or overwhelmed, or even a little hurt, or just completely happy. Nothing is off the table as far as what love can create. But most importantly, love is something not to take lightly. Love is a serious, complex human emotion whose creation should always be celebrated. And the more present love is, the more you can push away the fear from your decisions.

Let love make decisions. Fear keeps you safe when needed. Love leads you to the life of your dreams. There is nothing in between the two when it comes to big decisions.

And on that note, my love of world traveling is taking me away again, have a great holiday and I will catch everyone in 2016!

Never Be Afraid To Take Action

My dog has a new habit. There is a trash can in the bathroom from which he grabs used tissues, then takes them to the living room to chew them. This is generally very cute, and cleanup is minimal for me, it makes me laugh when I see it. However, if it continues, then there is likely a time when he will pick up something worse than a tissue, and this will likely create a need for either surgery or a much more substantial cleanup. Despite this, it had been two weeks, and only today have I done something about it.

One lesson which is good to learn is that people often do things until they can’t afford to do them anymore. People eat french fries every day until they have a heart attack, and then are told they can’t eat them anymore at all. People take their relationship for granted until the other person leaves, and then they feel awful that they didn’t appreciate it more. People don’t do their best work until they are let go and need to find a new job.

In the case of the dog and the trash, it took two weeks but I finally recognized that being one of these people is a choice I was making, and I can always make another choice. I decided to take action about it before the dog is in the emergency room for ingesting something worse than a tissue, instead of waiting until it happened and reacting. It still didn’t happen immediately, even for someone who writes to thousands of people about being in integrity.

Never be afraid to take action. Just because there isn’t a huge problem right now, doesn’t mean that doing something is a bad idea.

Recognize the Downward Sprial

Sometimes, things happen which really take over our thoughts. This can be something like a speeding ticket, it can be news that you might have an illness, or it can be something like a relationship ending before you are ready. Things like these have the tendency to put you in a place where one thought leads to another, assumption after assumption, until suddenly you are convinced that death is imminent. The ticket leads to you not being a good driver, which means you can’t have children in your car, which means you aren’t fit to be a parent, which means you probably shouldn’t get married, which means you should end your relationship. We have all been here at one time or another.

First it is important to recognize that you are here. This doesn’t mean you need to decide what is wrong with you that you got here, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong at all. It is just an observation that you are here. Second, it is important not to act on these assumptions. When your spouse says "we have to talk tonight" and you are already calling movers, this is not healthy. Make sure actions are based on facts, i.e. things you know to be true, not based on things which resulted from these assumptions.

Third, this is a sign that something is incomplete. This means that at some point you are going to have to do a completion exercise to move past it. Maybe you aren’t ready yet, if you are told that you have a serious illness then you probably aren’t ready to be over it in 10 minutes. But somewhere down the line, you will need to address how you feel about this, and what you are willing to do so the thought of it does not bring so much energy. This is something to think about down the road when you are ready and willing to be complete, not right now.

Recognize the downward spiral. We have all been there at one time or another, the only thing it means is that you are normal.

Set Goals For You

One thing I love when meeting new people is hearing about their goals. These can be all kinds of things, for some it is a new career, for others a new place to live, for others any type of physical endeavor. A big key when it comes to goals is that these are for you, these goals are not for others.

When you set goals, you become focused. When you set goals, you gain a purpose. I hear from potential clients often that they do not feel they have a purpose, my first question always comes back to goals. The same thing goes for anyone who is feeling at all down. If it seems like things aren’t going your way, reevaluate your goals. If it seems like you are not getting what you want, out of life or out of anything, reevaluate your goals. Your goals need to be something that have you excited to pursue, they need to be worth it to you, and they need to be something you are working towards.

Set Goals For You. No one can tell you what is right or wrong in this situation. And they are always for you.

Breakthroughs Require Big Action

The Warped Wall is a dangerous obstacle. It stands at least 14 feet tall and has no handholds. The successful way to overcome this wall involves first a fast run up to it, then with two or three steps to continue running vertically until it is safe to reach up for the top. Reaching the top allows for a strong-enough person to muscle their way up, but reaching for the top and missing, even by an inch, means falling at least 8 feet to the unforgiving ground. I wish I had a video of me accomplishing it to post here, but the truth is I have never done it successfully. My first day learning/practicing had me very close, but the ensuing fall resulted in large bruises on my back, palm, and hip. Ever since then, I have had a large (perhaps very legitimate) fear of getting hurt on the Warped Wall, and I’ve never come as close as I did before the minor injury. In truth, the only way I am ever going to be able to do the warped wall is to forget about the fear of an injury for a couple of seconds. Also in truth, doing it once likely would alleviate my fears for good. But, by keeping something in opposition, I am preventing myself from ever really having a chance of success.

Many of us do the same thing in many other aspects of life. I know I was this same way when it came to moving to Southern California. I almost moved once before, but upon coming out here, I suddenly remembered that moving here was going to require resigning from a job which I love, moving out of a place which I love, and proceeding with a very unclear destination for awhile. This created a bit of a panic, and I stayed. Later, when I finally decided to make the move, there was no guarantee it would work out. The only thing I had was a promise that what I was doing was the only way to possibly make the move happen. Staying would not have been the end of the world for me, it just wasn’t what I really wanted.

Many of us are like this with love. Maybe someone hurt us before and we are still tentative. Maybe we are comfortable with how we are alone and aren’t looking for a big change. Maybe we didn’t have great love role-models and are afraid of repeating their mistakes. The reasons/stories for this when it comes to love are numerous and diverse. Just like no one is going to force me to do the Warped Wall, no one is going to force you to try to fall in love. What can be promised, however, is that no love will happen without giving it a real chance. There will never be a perfect person standing there with an iron-clad guarantee that everything will always be great, and no hearts will ever be broken. There is only a potential partner who can at-best promise to make the same leap as you, and you can both hope it creates something lasting. Anything less than this vulnerable leap guarantees nothing more than a casual relationship, which is totally fine if it is what you want, but not if you want more.

Anytime you find yourself stuck, either wanting more or tired of a pattern, I highly recommend first identifying what it is you really want. Do you want to do this obstacle, or do you want a larger probability of not getting hurt? Do you want to move somewhere else, or do you just want to make minor changes where you are now? Do you want love, or do you want to continue to be in casual relationship(s)? Do you want a big breakthrough, or are minor tweaks enough? Neither answer to any such question is ever right or wrong, your answers just determine the type of action which is needed.

Breakthroughs require big action. These big actions often require risk, possible injury or hurt, and come with no promises of success. But if a breakthrough is what you really want, the only question is when you are going to go for it.

Never Be Afraid To Ask

As we progress in life, heading toward goals and accomplishing great things, there will be many times that we need something from others. Maybe this is in the form of an endorsement, maybe we need use of something which belongs to them, maybe all we need is someone to vent to at the end of every day. The number of ways that someone else can help is infinite.

Believe it or not, the number one way to get something from somebody else is to ask! This sounds so simple, but naturally as humans we often make this very complicated. Often we create our own stories about how it will go when we ask. We already "know" they will decline for any number of reasons. We already know they are too busy, too committed, can’t accept because it would create competition, or any number of other things that we create in our head.

Instead of not asking because of these stories, a different choice would be to just simply ask. We can make the choice to be vulnerable, to tell the person your goals, tell them how what you’re requesting can be a huge boost toward these goals, and tell them how much it would be appreciated. Nothing ever guarantees a positive answer, however not asking guarantees a negative one. There is nothing lost by asking.

Never be afraid to ask. Big goals are always going to need something from others, practice the first step in making this happen.

Water Your Grass

There are times when it is best to move on. This can apply to a relationship, a job, a place to live, a diet, a type of workout, or any number of other things. Sometimes staying will give nothing but incremental progress when we want or need a breakthrough. That being said, there are many other times when it is best instead to give some love to the situation in which you are now.

A real study was done which showed that grass actually looks greener next door than it does at your own house, by virtue of your angle of viewing the grass. Of course this same idea applies to anything. A new job may look much better because of one aspect that you dislike in your current job, but it also might come with many other aspects which are less desirable. A new date looks so exciting when our current partner does that one thing which always triggers us, but there were also many reasons why we chose our current partner. Most of us agree we wouldn’t give up and move across the street simply because such a move means not having to water the new grass for a week, but we often consider similar types of decisions in other aspects.

Breakthroughs tend to be no-brainer decisions. The process may be scary at times, and overwhelming at others, but ultimately something feels very right to us deep inside. Lateral moves, made because of things like better looking grass next door, feel much different. Lateral moves never feel easy. When facing a big decision, distinguish if this decision is a breakthrough or a lateral move.

Water your grass. Often all it takes is a little bit of love and being where you are right now to be in the best possible situation.